


on bravery

by Talls



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Dirk Knows Things, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 13:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13614672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talls/pseuds/Talls
Summary: Dirk isn’t the brave one. He’s the catalyst for quite a lot of things, the lynchpin that leads to one explosion after another, very often the reason his friends are in imminent danger, and definitely the most charming of his motley crew, but he isn’t brave.The thing is, though, that if Dirk isn’t brave, it’s up to other people around him to make up for him. And Todd won'tdoanything.





	on bravery

Dirk isn’t the brave one. He’s the catalyst for quite a lot of things, the lynchpin that leads to one explosion after another, very often the reason his friends are in imminent danger, and definitely the most charming of his motley crew, but he isn’t brave. Todd and Farah have that particular angle covered, and they don’t seem to have much trouble holding down the courage fort, so Dirk sees not much reason to try and usurp their positions. Besides, they both seem to care for him despite his failings in this particular respect, so he’s fine. Probably. 

The thing is, though, that if Dirk isn’t brave, it’s up to other people around him to make up for him. 

Todd snaps his fingers in front of Dirk’s face once. 

“Hey, are you even listening to what I’m saying?” Todd sounds very annoyed, probably for good reason. Todd is often annoyed for irrational reasons, like socks on counters and music that isn’t grunge, and Dirk breaking in through the window despite having a key, even though coming in through the window is so much more fun Todd, haven’t you heard of fun?, but given they’re currently breaking into someone’s very well guarded mansion, Todd may actually have a basis to his irritation. 

“Why wouldn’t I be listening to you? You’re a font of reason in this very trying time, and every word is a golden nugget of wisdom-” 

“Goddammit, you’re gonna get us shot.” Dirk would take offense to that, but it’s enough of a probability that he can’t really disagree. 

“I will do no such thing! I’m a paragon of competence!” Well, just because he can’t disagree, doesn’t mean he won't. Todd looks reluctantly amused despite his annoyance, biting away the smile that creeps up the corner of his mouth. Dirk’s entire chest goes a little warm at the sight. There is nothing better than Todd’s fondness. It bubbles out of him, overflowing through every gesture, every scowl, every smirk, every word. 

“As I was saying before, we have about five minutes before the cameras start working again, so we should be heading out pretty soon.” 

“Right you are. Except I deeply desire to know what exactly is in that room right there,” Dirk responds, pulled by the universe towards the door next to the fish tank. He sidesteps Todd neatly, catching a whiff of Old Spice before moving decisively forwards. He hears a muttered goddammit, before Todd is at his side. Dirk opens the door, pulls it towards him and peers into a room filled to the brim with teddy bears. 

Dirk blinks. Acclimates. 

“I mean, why not, at this point?” Todd asks, right next to him. Dirk turns his head to look at him, and Todd looks back. Dirk feels his lips spreading in one of those grins he can’t quite help when there’s a case and a Todd and an oddity. Todd’s blue eyes drop down to stare at Dirk’s mouth for just a bit too long. The eye contact is slightly more charged than it was. 

Todd is the brave one. So why won’t he just-

An alarm goes off behind them, jolting both of them out of the moment. Todd grabs Dirk’s arm, pulling him towards the exit they planned on. Dirk grabs one of the bears before sprinting after Todd, the heat of Todd’s hand as magnetic as the call of the universe. 

********* 

Dirk doesn’t really remember when exactly it began. He doesn’t really know exactly what ‘it’ is. His time in Blackwing stunted his conception of normal human relationships beyond any real understanding. His conceptions of friend and sibling and best friend and lover and partner are incredibly convoluted and apparently not fully applicable to real life at all. 

He just knows this. Todd does this thing where they’re both facing the same direction, and Dirk will ask a question or pose a theory, and Todd will swing his head over to Dirk, smirk the tiniest bit, and say something challenging, and Dirk’s entire chest will explode with fireworks and bright colors. Todd will press the backs of their hands together when faced with danger, and everything in Dirk’s body will sing to grab on and never let it go. Todd is bleary and soft in the mornings, and Dirk will sit and watch Todd make breakfast, and Todd will drag a hand across Dirk’s arm or back as he walks by, like touch is just a habit, and Dirk wants to spend his entire life like that. 

They circle each other, orbiting stars, like bubbles swirling around a drain. Dirk always thought at they would reach each other inevitably, collide at the perfect time and everything would slot into place in this perfect life, but it just feels asymptotic now, like they’ll get infinitesimally closer to a relationship, but never quite get there. 

That is, unless Todd actually stones up and does something. 

**************

The whole gang is sitting in Dirk’s apartment, after another case that endangered all of their lives multiple times. Mona is the soft blanket Dirk has placed over his legs on the sofa they’re all parked on. Twin Peaks is playing on the TV but Todd is asleep on Dirk’s shoulder, and Farah has been texting Tina for the past thirty minutes. Todd introduced Dirk to Twin Peaks not that long ago, but it’s become an obsession for him. Agent Cooper is something of a holistic detective himself, though his hunches are dreams and some Tibetan tomfoolery Dirk hasn’t quite sorted out mentally. Dirk likes to see the representation in the media. Todd is warm along Dirk’s side, and the heat eases all the tension from Dirk’s frame. Everything in the universe feels correct. 

Farah gets a call and leverages herself off the couch quickly. Todd stirs, tilts his head to look at the TV screen and then Dirk. Dirk looks steadily back, and Todd relaxes back into Dirk’s side. Dirk’s pulse flutters before evening out again. 

“Where are we in the season?” Todd asks, voice pleasingly rough. Quite frankly, Dirk lost track of what was happening a while ago. 

“There are several different clandestine affairs, alarming supernatural happenings afoot, and a staggering amount of homoerotic tension between the agent and the sheriff that doesn’t seem to be abating any time soon.” Dirk summarizes. Todd snorts indelicately. Dirk finds it tragically endearing. 

“That could be literally anywhere in the season,” Todd says, voice filtered through a small smile. 

“If I’m being honest, and I endeavor to always be honest with you, I really have no idea what’s happening anymore” Dirk confesses, and Todd turns his head to muffle his chuckle in Dirk’s shirtsleeve. Dirk aches. 

“Now you see how we all feel during one of your insane tangent investigations.” Todd’s voice is muffled in the cotton of Dirk’s shirt. 

“All of your frustration suddenly makes a lot more sense to me.” Todd looks up, eyes suddenly wicked in the pink-hued light of the TV screen. 

“All of it?” Dirk’s mouth goes abruptly dry. They maintain eye contact for a second longer, and Todd opens his mouth to say something, and Dirk leans in, and the soundtrack in the show swells in something that sounds grand and romantic and beautiful-

Farah bursts into the room. Todd pulls back to look at her, and Dirk turns after a second of Todd’s profile. Farah is almost vibrating with tension, her entire body a strung wire. She’s muttering under her breath _...stupid, doesn’t know anything about me, I’m different now, I know more than he does and he thinks I don’t but I do so he can just take that and shove it up his..._ Todd is already moving, standing and grabbing his car keys and the hoodie that Dirk bought at the last Pride parade. He tosses Farah the keys, and she catches out of instinct before wrapping her fingers around them like a lifeline. 

“We’ll be back soon, okay?” Todd says to Dirk, the words offhand, his priority Farah in the moment. Dirk expects himself to begrudge the attention shift, but he underestimates his own care for Farah. They leave the apartment quickly, and Dirk hears the car start outside a few minutes later. He wraps himself up in Mona, and starts the episode again. Waits for the other half of his family to come back home. 

They arrive about an hour later. Dirk dozed off in the interim, but wakes up as soon as they come into the apartment. Farah makes a beeline to her bedroom, before closing the door behind her. Dirk expects Todd to do the same, but Todd just sits back down on the couch, collapsing heavily onto Dirk’s side once more. Dirk stays quiet, far more so than he would at any other moment. Todd radiates exhaustion. For a long few minutes, Dirk honestly thinks Todd has just fallen asleep on him, before Todd speaks up. 

“You’ve never asked what happened to me and Farah.” Dirk waits for more to follow before realizing nothing will. 

“Well, it was none of my business.” Todd lets out a dry chuckle. 

“Like that’s ever stopped you before.” His jibe is fond but accurate. 

“I suppose you have a point there. I don’t know. I know there was a long period of time when I was captured where you grew quite close. I know you kissed. I remember very little of the night we were magically drugged, but I remember you two being quite attached. I expected you both to continue in that vein after the case was over, but things didn’t seem to go anywhere, and I thought it would be best to just let this lie. At least until one of you felt comfortable telling me.” 

Todd is quiet for another few minutes. 

“Do you want to know?” Todd asks. 

“God yes, it’s been killing me,” Dirk replies, far too fast. Todd laughs at that, and Dirk smiles, glad he brought a smile to his face. Todd takes even more time to start talking again, halting and hesitant. 

“For about two months, we were all we had. You were taken, Amanda was gone, Lydia was in South America, Patrick was dead and we were alone. And on the run. And terrified, oh my god we were terrified. I was having my attacks for the first time, Farah was breaking the law for the first time, and we didn’t know what we were doing. Well, Farah knew what she was doing, but she didn’t know why she was doing it. It was a mess. We were a mess.” Todd laughs, and Dirk’s heart breaks a little bit at the sound. 

“I needed to find you. And Farah needed someone to protect, and I was vulnerable and she cared about me, and it just fell into place. Have you ever felt like it was just you and one other person against the world?” Dirk looks down on the soft blanket on his legs, that could turn into a crushing boulder in an instant. 

“Yes, I do.” 

“Then you get it. Plus, I always had that crush on her, and I guess she liked me too. Which was nice.” Todd smiles suddenly. “We actually had fun sometimes. When we weren’t running for our lives or about to die, we did stupid fun stuff. State fairs, roadside attractions, the dumb stuff you do on road trips. We liked each other a lot, we still do.” 

“If you still do, then,” Dirk starts, before stopping. It’s an awkward question. Then again, Dirk asks awkward questions all the time, but he doesn’t want Todd to be uncomfortable. Not when it’s late and dark and Todd is resting on him, tired and introspective. 

“It was a crush that became more because of desperation and isolation. We liked each other, but when I found you, and Farah got her badge and met Tina, it all just. I don’t know. Faded away? We were good friends. We still are.” Todd quits talking after that. They sit and watch Cooper try and solve a crime for a few more minutes. Dirk processes none of it. 

“Do you regret not continuing in that romantic entanglement?” Dirk asks. 

“Nope.” That response came with no hesitation. Another long pause. 

“I’m sorry I was gone,” Dirk says. 

“It couldn’t possibly be less your fault,” Todd responds. 

“I know. Still.” There’s a pause. 

“It’s okay. You’re here now.” 

They don’t move for another episode. They are slow to part. 

*************

They almost all got separate apartments. Todd and Dirk were planning on being neighbors, and Farah was going to get her own space far far away, where she could have her own privacy. That was back when she thought that was what she needed. Todd rented a temporary place for all of them, a tight fit but survivable, just so they could find their own places. They developed a rhythm there, a simple flow of cohabitation that should never have worked but ended up working splendidly. Farah was in charge of cleaning, because anyone else’s attempts were always subpar, but Todd was far better at day to day operations, keeping groceries in the fridge, making sure they had cleaning supplies, refilling shampoo, keeping track of various allergies and so on. 

“I actually used to be terrible at managing my life. I relied on everyone else to know what they were doing and then I mooched off them. Then, when I dropped out, and Amanda needed me to take care of her, and I didn’t have anyone else to rely on, I figured my shit out. It took a while, you know? Being an adult is hard as hell, especially when you don’t know what you’re doing and you never bothered to learn. The first few months of self-sufficiency were terrible. Then they got better,” Todd tells Dirk one day in a supermarket. Todd is teaching Dirk how sales work, how to look for deals and where to find basic essentials. The harsh fluorescence of the lights washes Todd out, creates dark hollows under his eyes. Dirk still thinks he looks lovely. It’s a problem. 

Later Dirk wonders what exactly he brings to the equation. That question is answered when Dirk leaves the dimension for about three days (though it felt like a week for him) and returns to what appears to be a new cold war. Farah and Todd apparently don’t cohabitate well by themselves, and during the three days of his absence, they had negotiated custody of halves of the apartment, staked out defense positions and were tossing passive aggressive threats over a boundary constructed by furniture and blankets. Dirk then resolved to take at least one of them with him on his next interdimensional hop. 

Eventually, Farah stops mentioning going out to look for apartment listings. The situation is finalized when Todd has an attack in the middle of the night and both Dirk and Farah are both immediately at his bedside with his medicine and a glass of water. Farah looks between them, does something interesting with her eyebrows, declares, “I’m staying,” and that’s that. 

They settle fully into their codependent trio immediately after and don’t look back for a second. Well, quartet if you count Mona, but the flickering lamp in the corner of Dirk’s room doesn’t really do much around the apartment and definitely doesn’t pay rent, so he feels justified in excluding her. 

************

Amanda stops by rarely. She and the Rowdy Three, a name which is growing increasingly ludicrous as they gain members, are off recruiting for their army of misfits and projects, but when she’s in the area she drops by and makes a point of taking Todd out for some coffee. Their initial meetings ended with Todd looking introspective and sullen and needing time alone, but as time went on and communication bettered, Todd began to come home with a smile on his face. He has always looked forward to the meetings, even when they ended rather badly for him, but finally, Farah and Dirk have begun to look forward to the meetings on his behalf. 

Although Farah and Dirk occasionally interact with Amanda, Farah joining the Three on jobs that require scalpels instead of battering rams, and Dirk occasionally sniffing out other projects should they be near, there is now a disconnect between them. Amanda is no longer a sweet young girl, she is a military commander now, fully entrenched in the battle between abject chaos and total control. Dirk, Farah and Todd, while definitely preferring Amanda’s organization, if you could call it that, are a unit in and of themselves. The schism between them, while occasionally bridged by the Brotzman connection, is still very apparent in all of their interactions. 

Dirk always expected Todd to leap at the chance to travel with Amanda, to be the Brotzman siblings again, if only Amanda would offer. He doesn’t know why Amanda never offered until he finally breaks down and asks her one day, on the trail of Project Calliope, a holistic artist whose images can be pulled into reality. 

“What do you mean, why haven’t I stolen Todd?” She asks without moving her mouth. Dirk and Amanda are posing as performance artists to track Calliope down, and Dirk is currently a table off of which Amanda is eating a burger in an offensively rendered fat suit. It is supposed to be a scathing criticism of American cuisine and consumerism but Dirk finds it mostly offensive and cliché. Amanda claims it’s ironic. Dirk has doubts. 

“I mean, why haven’t you stolen Todd from the agency to join you in your crusade?” Dirk says, around the apple in his mouth. It’s really such a ludicrous disguise. 

“He didn’t want to go?” Amanda says. Dirk’s eyes widen. 

“What do you mean?” Dirk asks. 

“I mean, I’ve been asking him to come with me for months now, and he always says no,” Amanda says, before throwing the burger on the ground and pretending to fall to the floor and convulse. Dirk takes the cue, and pulls out the paper advertisements from his pockets and throws it on her. This is possibly the most demeaning thing he has ever done. 

“Why would he say no?” Dirk says, before putting on a monocle and grabbing a big bag of money from within Amanda’s fat suit. 

“He’s found something else to take care of, I guess,” Amanda says before dying heinously. Dirk pulls on a waistcoat and faces their audience. 

“Capitalism,” he intones gravely, before kicking Amanda’s body once and walking off stage. He needs to take at least five showers after this, he just feels dirty. 

Later, after the exhibit has closed, and they’re changing out, Amanda stops him. 

“Listen, Dirk. When I say you changed Todd’s life for the better, I mean it. He talks about you and he lights up, the agency gives him a way to help people, you and Farah are his family. He still loves me, but he knows that I don’t need him anymore and I know he doesn’t need me to give him purpose either. We’re negotiating a new relationship now, and we’re happy with it, but I’m not who he takes care of anymore. I’m not who he gets up and goes to work for.” Her voice is grave, and there’s a weird emphasis in the way she talks, like she’s urging Dirk to glean a deeper meaning from her words, but Dirk knows. Dirk knows already. 

Before he can tell her, however, a unicorn with terribly proportioned legs and sharp teeth walks by them, and they have to take flight. Dirk looks at the shape of the unicorn’s head, and shakes his head. Calliope is a genuinely terrible artist when it comes down to it. 

************

And so Dirk knows that Todd loves him back, and Dirk is relatively sure that Todd knows of Dirk’s feelings on the matter, considering Dirk has all the subtlety of a foghorn and he hasn’t been hiding a thing since he met Todd, and neither of them have done a thing about it. 

The merry-go-round has gotten old. Dirk wants more. 

And Todd is the brave one. So it’s definitely up to him. 

************

Dirk wakes up on a Sunday morning and something in the universe feels different. Not in a particularly malevolent way, and not in a wonderful way either. It feels like an unlit fuse in a room full of gasoline. Like tension. Like potential. 

Dirk gets out of bed and pads barefoot towards the kitchenette, where Todd is cooking what appears to be an omelette. Shirtless. Dirk is not awake enough for this. 

“Hey, what do you want in your omelette?” Todd asks. 

“I’d rather not have one, actually, not that hungry,” Dirk responds, eyes definitely not where they should be. Well, they’re still on his face, but you know what he means. 

“I made you your tea already, it's on the counter,” Todd says, moving his omelette from his pan to his plate. Dirk moves to the counter towards the tea, drawn like a moth to light at the smell of Breakfast Tea. 

“Farah?” Dirk asks. 

“Out with Tina, she’s in town for a week.” Todd is moving around the kitchen, putting things away by rote, and Dirk suddenly feels pulled to help him, so he moves forwards and Todd turns backwards and they collide and they’re so close to each other, and Todd is looking into his eye and at his lips and Dirk is sure, this is it, this is finally it and- 

Todd pulls away. Runs his hand through his hair, then drags it over his face and Dirk is. Dirk is. Dirk is absolutely livid. Is Todd kidding? Is this some kind of joke? Todd was right there. He was right there at the right angle, and 

“Are you serious?” Dirk did not mean to say that out loud. Oh god. Todd looks up, hand still on his chin. 

“What?” He asks, and he has the audacity to sound genuinely confused, as if Dirk isn’t going absolutely bloody insane. Dirk is going to drop this, because this is definitely not the way it’s supposed to go, it’s supposed to be soft, or romantic, or very daring. Dirk is supposed to be swept away by Todd doing something wonderful with his mouth, it is not supposed to be Dirk screaming at Todd like an actual madman. So Dirk is going to derail this as fast as possible and they’re going to pretend this never happened. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be the brave one?” Dirk’s mouth has other ideas. Dirk’s mouth has the worst ideas. 

“What are you talking about?” Todd still sounds genuinely perplexed. 

“I mean, I was right there. You were right there. It was the moment, it was finally there, and you had to go and cock it up and now we’re here, which is not there, and I much preferred being right there, though not as much as I would have preferred it if you had done the correct thing, except you didn’t!” A sort of bemused smile has crept onto Todd’s face, one of his _Dirk, you aren’t saying anything that makes sense, but it’s funny so I’m not going to stop you as you dig yourself further into a hole_ smiles. He gets this smile entirely too often.

“Okay, hold on. What does that have anything to do with me being the ‘brave one’?” Todd has a phenomenal ability to put scare quotes on words without actually moving his hands. It’s really very infuriating. 

“You’re the one who does the brave things. I do the stupid things that get us into situations that merit bravery and then you do the brave things that get us out of the situations and Farah does everything else. That’s how this whole enterprise functions.” 

“Well, what stupid thing have you done that got us into a situation that merits bravery?” Todd asks, face creased in a disbelieving smile. Dirk manfully does not say fallen in love but it’s a close thing. 

“Well, I think it was rather a team effort on this one,” Dirk scrambles, but Todd starts laughing a little, under his breath. 

“Because, on my end, this seems to be a stupid situation that I got into. So it’s up to you to be the brave one. And I think you’re a lot braver than you give yourself credit for.” Dirk didn’t realize it at the time, but Todd has been moving forwards slowly, fully in Dirk’s space. 

“Do you really think so?” Todd’s smile changes to something softer and warmer and fonder, and there goes that heat in Dirk’s chest. 

“I really do.” And Todd is right back there and he’s waiting for Dirk to be brave. That’s all it takes. That’s all it ever takes. 

So he kisses Todd. And kisses Todd. And kisses Todd some more. The omelette goes cold.

**Author's Note:**

> This particular story was just my way to get my hands into the fandom and figure something out, mostly as a cathartic release. It's also the first writing project i've actually finished in a while. I'm not expecting to write more in this fandom, but it feels good to finally post these kids. 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoyed!


End file.
